It has been a rough few weeks. My body just doesn't seem to understand that I have things to do, and that I don't have time for it's antics.
I spent the majority of last weekend bent over the toilet or a bowl, not even able to keep 7up down, but trying to sip it nonetheless. It's a new thing for me to be in charge of an entire household, to be the sole person who does the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and general upkeep. And it is also a new thing to be MARRIED and not be able to retreat to a hideout to avoid being seen like a green mutant who can't even talk with out getting sick. I have never been one to enjoy company when I'm sick, I don't like to call for help, or ask for prayers (although I am getting better at that) and I don't like to seem helpless. All of those walls go out the window when you are married, because he sees me the way I am all of the time. It was a big bruise to the ego when my hard working husband had to do the dishes, laundry and cooking ( or in his case the microwaving ;-) ) and an even bigger bruise that I had to ask him to do it. I am not cut out for feeling useless or helpless, and yet here he was exhausted from a 65 hour work week, cleaning up after my mess.
It was hard to go through, but on this side of it, it was also quite comforting to experience first hand the difference between a marriage and a relationship. While those fears still linger that all of this sick talk is overwhelming him, the fear of him leaving me to be sick alone is completely gone. I remember being in a hospital room staring at my phone waiting for a phone call from my boyfriend at the time, that never came. Ignored text messages, and phone calls were pretty devastating in that situation. Knowing that I will never have to go through that again is really something to be said. No more writing mean bitter break up songs to sing behind whoever's back!
While I wouldn't trade moving to the tundra with my husband for anything in the world, I am so so excited for this trip home next week. This is the longest I have gone without being back so I am ready to waltz into my favorite place yelling "how y'all doin?!" and having a hundred people smile back at me, ready to give me a hug. There is something so wonderful about support from people who truly get me. Those people are the kind of friends that I am never worried about offending, because I know they will take whatever I say in the way that I meant for it to be taken. They love me for who I am and laugh at my faults, rather than condemn me for them. That kind of vulnerability is rare and I didn't realize how much I needed that until I left it. It will be a year next month that I have been gone from Amarillo and it has yet to get easier. I am so looking forward to dancing, sushi, starbucks, and mexican food. Dear God mexican food. Hopefully I don't come back ten pounds heavier, but its a strong possibility.
I really am looking forward to spending time with my best friends, laughing, catching up, and just being there with them. I am tired of watching things happen over facebook and feeling like a bad friend for being all the way up here! It will be replenishing to spend an entire week in a place where I feel so loved.
On another subject, I am seriously considering recording a lot more of my original songs. I guess I feel like if something happens in the transplant, maybe I lose my vocal chords, or I don't come out of it, I would regret people not hearing them... or not leaving behind my legacy. So I am going to be working hard on building up the courage to share them, and even if they suck, try not to bruise my ego too much ;-)
PS On the health note, please keep me in your prayers that I stay well for this trip. Nothing puts a damper on vacation like being sick, and I really need this time to just have fun. Yeehawwwww!